When he opens the door for you, pays for dinner on the first date, and showers you with gifts and affection, does your heart start to flutter? He acts like your knight in shining armor, your courteous Prince Charming. But when you begin to think that things can only get better, he starts to become passive-aggressive, controlling, and only gives to get. Ladies (and gentlemen), I present to you, the “nice” guy. 

     The “nice” guy appears to be a feminist who respects women, but underneath his fabricated personality lies a toxic and manipulative boy. These boys merely act kind and chivalrous at the beginning of a relationship by behaving like someone you can rely on and trust wholeheartedly until eventually, they start to look for something in return. A real man does not feel the need to be rewarded for being a decent human being. There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a genuine, kind, and respectful man.

     Nice Guy Syndrome is a term that originated on the internet and is used to describe when a man feels entitled to receive a reward (usually sexual) from women for being nice. Being courteous, and not sexualizing or objectifying women is not something that needs to be rewarded. The reason why the phrase “nice guys finish last” is even associated with “nice” guys, is that it is so obvious that their only goal is to just have sex. Unfortunately, the problem with being a victim of nice guy syndrome is that “nice” guys are unaware of the inherent misogyny within this mindset.

     But how do boys even develop nice guy syndrome? One theory was developed by Dr. Robert A. Glover, a psychologist and marriage therapist. In his book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, he proposes that “nice guy” syndrome is the result of a man’s childhood insecurity. 

     From a young age, these boys (the future “nice” guys) would constantly compare themselves to other men and attempt to hide their flaws; therefore, their dignity and sense of self-worth diminished as they matured. Apollonia Ponti, a certified dating and life coach, also mentions that by viewing themselves as full of flaws, “nice” guys will develop a victim mentality that will eventually damage their relationships with others. 

     Due to their lack of self-confidence, when “nice” guys are rejected, they don’t know the proper way of accepting it. And frequently, they will resort to victimizing themselves by creating excuses such as, “Women don’t want nice guys anymore; they only want jerks.” Or “I guess I was just too nice,” when in reality, there could be countless other reasons why “nice” guys get rejected. 

     Unfortunately, the idea that a man can buy a woman’s love through kindness is a common trope enforced by many movies and T.V. series–for example, Ross Geller’s overly-protective attitude behavior towards Rachel (his girlfriend) from the television show “Friends”– but reality is different. Pop culture reinforces the idea that women who reject guys who give gifts, open doors, agree with everything, etc., are dense and bitter. However, in reality, there could be countless reasons why a girl rejected the “nice” guy. She could have had nothing in common with them, there might have not been a real connection, or maybe she just doesn’t feel like dating, but by no means should a woman feel obligated to date someone just because they are nice. 

     Furthermore, a truly nice guy never expects a woman to date him for being nice. A real nice man does not seek anything in return for being respectful and generous. While it is essential to be kind and thoughtful, purposely acting chivalrous towards women because of the belief there will be a reward, is not only repulsive but sexist and misogynistic. “Nice” guys present themselves as feminists, but they support traditional gender stereotypes such as females depending on a man’s gallant deeds. In doing so, “nice” guys support the ideals of benevolent sexism, which contributes to gender inequality, by keeping women dependent on men. 

     A real thoughtful and respectful man does things without expecting anything in return, treating everyone (man and woman) with consideration because it aligns with his core values. “Nice” guys will use their “nice” guy status to excuse themselves whenever they objectify, manipulate, or dehumanize women. When a “nice” guy guilt-trips women who clearly expressed no interest in them, into having sex or dating solely because of a nice deed, that man instantly becomes a red flag. It is not enough to just be “nice”, being nice should not be something so extravagant, and being nice will not automatically win a woman’s heart. A real man is courteous, patient, and kind to everyone without expecting something in return.