Every once in awhile we get a glimpse into the next evolution of human engineering. The airplane, modern medicine, that black whopper thing. In the current era, this miraculous new advancement of human technology, of the human spirit, comes to us in the form of the newest assortment of emojis.

    Along with the latest iOS 9.1 update comes a whole new variety of emoticons to use in all possible situations. Long gone are the days of desperately begging your respective deity for that bow and arrow emoji whenever you were trying to discuss the hunger games with your friends. Long gone are the days of being unable to talk about your true passion with your bros as the new unicorn emoji is finally available.

     Just to name a few more emojis of interest, there is also the volleyball, popcorn, a man with money for a tongue, some astrology animals (scorpio, leo, cancer, and…turkeyo), and even some new family-friendly hand gestures, like the “you’re number one” symbol except now with the middle finger. The kids are gonna love it!

    Despite the dire importance of the new coffin and barrel emojis, there is the one that continues to haunt me. There are hockey sticks, then medals, and then there he is. This man in a suit floating in mid-air. What… What’s he doing over there? Why’s he jumping? Or is he flying? Is he a vampire with an afro? I feel like his stare pierces the heart, the soul. That he knows all, feels all, and would just as easily watch the world burn. Look away! You cannot look away! Pure horror!

    Oh yeah and the spider one, too. Because spiders are icky.

    So go ahead and download the new update and try out all the new emoticons!

    Oh…you can’t download it?…delete some apps…no, no go to settings…yeah now click on data…then usage. Delete…ummm…delete Trivia Crack no one uses it anyway…maybe get rid of some photos…yeah that’s homework from a couple weeks ago you don’t need that anymore. Oh and that photo, too. Yeah you don’t want anyone finding that one. Just get rid of it.

    Okay NOW go download the new update! Try out all the new emojis! Have some fun! Then probably forget about it in two weeks…but then the next one will come out with even more emojis! And the cycle will continue. Forever… But you get to send people cheese now so it’s worth it! (Man when are they going to come out with the emoji emoji already?)