Students, sit back and behold the marvel that is Monte Vista, an “educational” institution that has seamlessly become a state-of-the-art youth detention center! The closed campus, security guards at every exit, and absolutely no freedom–perfect, perfect, perfect.  

    Surely, suffocating students with outlandish rules and outrageous consequences would only increase our affinity for school. These rules have been carefully crafted to nurture students and keep them both safe and happy. It is certainly not a means to dictate and control our every move. After all, what better way to foster a love for school than to strip away every single ounce of personal freedom? It’s almost poetic how the absence of choice makes us feel safe and content. Who needs freedom when you can have the warm embrace of surveillance?  Look left, right, behind you and there’s a campus monitor you’ve never seen before. We might as well be electronically tracked, with our own little ankle monitors! It’s so endearing how much the school cares about our safety on campus.

    I mean, nothing screams “school” like campus security scrutinizing every vehicle that dares approach the forbidden gates, demanding proof of identity if a prisoner, I mean student, dares to step one foot outside the perimeter. Heaven forbid you actually want to enjoy your thirty-minute lunch in the comfort of your own car; that’s ridiculous, there’s no freedom here! Of course, as prisoners, we can not be trusted to be alone in any vehicle, even if it’s the same vehicle we drive to school each day. 

     There isn’t even time for students to properly relax or socialize with other students! Our five-minute “breaks” are wasted fighting other students in the tight, cramped hallways trying to reach our next class before time runs out. And like prisoners, students also face consequences. Late to class? Detention. Forgot to sign in? Detention. Tried to express creative freedom? Detention. 

     That’s right folks, seniors are being forced to retake their I.D. photo for simply having fun in their last year of school. Wearing tiaras, wigs, or boas on your I.D. card makes you unidentifiable so security won’t be able to recognize you when they permit you to leave campus. Might as well wear an orange jumpsuit with a height chart in the background.

     Here at Monte Vista, we strive to keep our students safe, healthy, and happy. This means we will continue to expect our students to act mature and poised–tracking their every movement and governing their every moment on campus. It’s not controlling, it’s “safety.” 

So, kudos to Monte Vista for setting the gold standard in blurring the lines between education and incarceration. The closed campus, the oppressive rules, and the omnipresent surveillance are nothing short of visionary. In the end, who needs the outside world when you have a school that so accurately mirrors the experience of being behind bars?